The Rise of the Mary Sues: The Hobbit
by Wingthing
Summary: (Parody) Two best friends fall unexpectedly into Middle Earth! Find out how Gandalf and the Dwarves have to deal with teenage angst, the truth about tampons and why the hell two teenage girls would be any use against Orcs and a Dragon. Oh, and they're totally wet for Thorin and Kili, which makes life even more difficult. (Each chapter will contain a different Sue) Enjoy!


**The Rise of the Mary Sues: The Hobbit**

**Authors Note: I'm simply writing this as a bit of fun and I don't intend to truly offend anyone but there are sooooooo many Mary Sues in this fandom. I've whittled down the most common Sues found in this fandom and they will be featured in future chapters. **

**Feel free to review, flame, throw tomatoes or whatever :) Also, in case anyone thinks this is not an actual "Story" and goes against site rules, I'm afraid it does not. This is a parody like any other, the only thing other people don't like is because it reveals some home truths about their OC's. **

**Anyways, enjoy! **

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**Caitlyn and Brianna's Unexpected Middle Earth Journey!**

**Summary:** Two best friends fall unexpectedly into Middle Earth! Find out how Gandalf and the Dwarves have to deal with teenage angst, the truth about tampons and why the hell two girls would be any use against Orcs and a Dragon. Oh, and they are totally wet for Thorin and Kili, which makes life even more difficult.

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My name is Caitlyn Alexandria Smith. Or you can call me Alex. Caitlyn is such a dumb sounding name but you can blame my parents for that; they're a quarter Irish, a fifth Scottish, and an eighth British so it's kinda Celtic. I currently live in the UK, having moved from Atlanta, Georgia to a small British village, with it's own pub and everything. The whole place is like a retirement village and the old people really freak me out. They just stare at me as I go out jogging in my gym pants and Ipod listening to Miley Cyrus. I mean seriously, what happened to freedom?

An old man waved his walking stick at me the other day yelling: "It''s winter ya stupid idiot! Put a coat on!"

Yeah, whatever Grandpa. You're the idiot waving your stick like around like that.

Anyways, I'm rambling. Let me introduce myself again, properly. My name is Caitlyn but Alex is preferred. I've just turned eighteen, and I've started an undergraduate degree in Natural History at the University. I mean, it would be stupid for me not have an education. Nobody likes a bum or a stupid person. My parents have paid for me to go travelling and I've been to some really far-flung places like Africa Safari and France to study History stuff and things.

I guess I'm average in the looks department, I've inherited my Dad's naturally tanned skin and my mom's long luscious black hair which is thick and strong. I am also, a complete nerd. I may not look it, but I am totally obsessed with Tolkien and his books/movies! A perfect evening for me would be to curl up in the large, squashy couch in my large bedroom and read the books back to back, with a warm cup of tea (see, totally adapting to British life!)

Anyways, I guess I am rambling again. My story starts here. I was getting ready to take my Alaskan Malamute for a walk with my best friend Brianna (who flew in from America the week before). Brianna works in Taco Bell and works nights at Dunkin' Donuts, but she is totally more prettier than me. She is slim with cerulean eyes, long wavy red hair scraped carefully into a bun and big busts. However, I am more tube-like, with dainty breasts and athletic abs but my hair is long and raven which falls down my back in soft waves.

"We're heading out Mom," I call as soon as Brianna has finished fixing her face.

"Okay, honey. Be careful!"

Typical Mom. Always looking out for me.

I jump down the stairs and leash Axel, who gazes up at me with big brown eyes.

"He is so cute!" Brianna coos as she scratches Axel behind the ears. She is wearing the same gym pants as me, a tight croptop and a backpack full of food when we stop off at the park. It is a warm summers day, and we savour the gentle wind caressing our faces as we leave my big farm house. While we walk, we both debate who the best looking member out of One Direction is and how Miley Cyrus totally shouldn't have gone naked on a Wrecking Ball. By midday, we stop in the middle of a wood and we are both hot and sweaty. I scrape my long dark hair into a bun, and take a long swig of water, savouring the cool sensation slip down my neck. Brianna's red hair has gone frizzy in the heat, and she too scrapes her hair back.

"Ah shit!"

I turn to Brianna, while throwing a ball for Axel who is panting heavily. "You got any food?"

"Uhh ... just some cereal bars ..."

I roll my eyes. "Is that all?"

She nods. I ignore Axel's constant barking for the ball as I rummage through my own backpack for a packet of crisps but find nothing. As I check my purse, I can feel Brianna stiffen next to me, but I ignore her too.

"Alex, there is totally an old guy perving on us from those trees."

"What? - Where?"

I turn and sure enough an old man with a long beard is just visible by the tree-line. He realises we can see him and he steps out from the foliage.

"Oh my god he's wearing a robe!"

He certainly is, and also a long tall pointy hat. A wave of relief passes over me. Of course, it's some weirdo dressed as Gandalf. Why he's watching us in the middle of a quiet forest, is another sinister reason altogether. I draw myself up to my fullest height.

"Who are you?"

Old guy stops. There's rustling all around us and a group of small men jump out from the trees from all sides, brandishing weapons. The taller of the group, a man with a long dark beard approaches me holding a long sword. He may be short, by Harry Styles is he hot!

"Search them," he says in a deep voice which makes my heart skip a beat, even though we're being frisked by a group of strangers. I feel a strong pair of hands grab my own, and my backpack is swiftly taken. Judging by Brianna's screams of protest so is hers. The weirdo Gandalf comes joins the band of small men and another dawn of realisation hits me; these are Dwarves and the tallest one must be Thorin Oakenshield. It mustn't be imagining things; everyone looks so real!

"Anything of value?" Thorin Smokin'shield demands to his companions.

"Nothing as usual," replies a young but seriously sexy looking dwarf rooting through my backpack. "Hold on … I think i've found some kind of quill … I think?"

To my horror the young dwarf takes out my tampon applicator. He inspects it closely, and upon realising there is certainly no pen but a long tissue decides to put it up his nose. "I found a nose cleaner!" he yells triumphantly to the company at large.

Brianna and I exchange looks of disgust. I speak. "Look, seriously. Let us go! Who are you guys? We mean no harm!"

"Unfortunately, you do," the weirdo Gandalf says plainly, stepping forth. "And nor do we want you to join our Quest, as what use will you be?"

I frown. "How dare you say that just because I'm a woman! I can totally kick ass! I'm a natural!"

Another hot looking dwarf appears next to his equally ovary-exploding friend. "This is getting really old, Gandalf. I say we just kill them. I've had enough!"

Gandalf smiled slightly. "Very well, pile their corpses along the side of the road for the Orcs. I don't doubt we'll find another one stumbling into our midst from another universe very soon."

"And falling in love with you Kili? And you Thorin? Remember Annie? She actually pulled her hair out because you would't understand her angst and fall in love with her quirky beauty and personality! Or that half-elf girl who threatened to go on hunger strike, because you wouldn't teach her how to wield a sword!" The blonde dwarf burst out laughing before Thorin threw him a look so ugly, it could have curdled milk into cheese.

I could feel tears prick the corners of my eyes, as I knew death was impending. To confirm my suspicions, an arrow suddenly pierced my chest from behind. Blood spurted out from the wound, and I collapsed onto the floor and thought no more. In my last few moments of life, I saw Brianna's body fall next to mine, an axe protruding from her skull.

"Well, I suppose we'd better move them," Kili muttered to Fili who was petting the Malamute.

"Aye, get a fire going so we can burn them."

"What do we do about the dog, Thorin?" asked Kili.

Thorin eyed the fluffy Malamute carefully and shrugged his majestic shoulders. "What do I care? The last Mary Sue we came across had a Sumatran Tiger which could fly! Just because we don't kill their pets, doesn't mean we keep them." He turned away as Fili and Kili tossed the bodies of Alex and Brianna over their shoulders and dumped them by the roadside. "I'm never going to reach Erebor ..."

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**Next chapter: Gandalf finds an abandoned elfling who gets raised in the Shire :) **


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